When Nature Calls On A Plane

The morning I flew to Buffalo from JFK, I was dropped off at terminal 2 for my Delta flight to Buffalo. After passing security I had take a JFK Jitney bus to terminal 4.

I boarded the plane and buckled in. The flight took ages to depart. We were stuck in a runway queue. After reading contently for forty minutes I suddenly REALLY needed to go the bathroom. I drank a bottle of water before passing security and it's hit me like a punch in the groin.

Not sure of the etiquette as the cabin crew were seated for take off. I felt a surge of panic as I realised I might have an accident. I didn't know when we were actually going to take off and I doubt I could last another 5 minutes. We were waiting for an hour now and the plane was idle. Surely they'd let me use the bathroom? 

After a few helpless glances across the cabin I decided to take action. I didn't want to scare anyone so I told the nearest passenger I had to use the bathroom. I unbuckled my seatbelt and ran embarrassed down the other end of the cabin. Luckily the bathroom wasn't locked as they usually do this while the plane is taking off.

Ten seconds in, there was an announcement saying that "all passengers must be seated in order for the plane to take off." Obviously they were aiming it at the person in the toilet. I slunk back to my seat. It was worth it.

I had a similar event coming back from JFK to Gatwick. We waited an hour after we were supposed to take off and the pilot made only one announcement to explain there was a delay. They said there was a baggage issue that had just been resolved and we were to depart "soon".

I was skeptical. I'd seen people walk to the nearby bathroom to realise it was locked. They weren't even supposed to leave their seats. Then the flight attendant made an announcement to say "the bathrooms cannot be used at this time."

That's when I felt an inexplicable urge to go. Sods law. The flight attendants were chatting in the galley so I walked up to one and said quietly in a grave voice: "I did hear the announcement but unfortunately if I don't use the bathroom now, I will have an accident."

Either she understood my desperation or didn't want to deal with the consequences. She escorted me to a bathroom and unlocked it. There was an objection from another flight attendant who noticed what was going on, but when the word "accident" was exchanged and she backed off.

Once inside I realised I wasn't as desperate as I thought I was. In fact I didn't need to go at all. I think the announcement triggered some kind of post traumatic stress from the earlier flight.

Anyway the moral of the story if you really need to go to the bathroom, you have to tell the flight attendants that you'll have an accident. After all, planes and accidents never go well together.